The Naked Bible: An Irreverent Exposure of Bible Verses, Versions, and Meanings that Preachers Dishonestly Ignore by Bernardin Andrew

Author:Bernardin, Andrew [Bernardin, Andrew]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2010-03-16T04:00:00+00:00

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Ø God has this extra-special threat for those who chronically disobey him: you will be forced to eat the flesh of your children. >> Yes, you will consume the veal of thine own loins. And, no, God! won’t allow you to use A1 sauce or even a dollop of Heinz ketchup. (Leviticus 26:29)

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- 43 -

Your Ass Down a Well

Jesus asked the people, “If your son or ox falls into a well, wouldn’t you pull him out right away, even on the Sabbath?”

This very important question is posed in Luke 14:5 (Contemporary English Version).

I have a couple thoughts about it: 1. If my ox fell down a well, I don’t think I could pull him out. He is a big feller. So I would have to check the Yellow Pages for a plumbing company that specializes in the removal of livestock from water sources. If the company owner was an orthodox Jew, I might be out of luck. 2. Why does Jesus not include a daughter falling into a well? Are (a) girls not worth violating the Sabbath? Or (b), are girls less likely to fall down a well in the first place because, relative to boys, they infrequently behave like asses?

Perhaps 2(b) is correct, as evidenced by the way the King James Version words the verse.

Which of you shall have an ass or an ox fallen into a pit, and will not straightway pull him out on the sabbath day?

In this case I do not think Jesus is using “ass” as a vernacular form of “son.” Notice that the problem as worded in this Bible translation is much more manageable. If it were merely a problem of my ass stuck in a pit, well that is a different story. I could do something about it. And I would, even if it was Saturday. Or Sunday. Because, Sabbath or no Sabbath, I take good care of my ass.

What is the lesson here? If a person ever comes to you, exclaiming, “My sheep just fell into the sewer and it is a day of rest—what should I do?!” hand them your Bible. It has an answer for everything.

Uh-oh. I just had a thought. What if your dog gets stuck in a gopher hole. And it is Ash Wednesday. What should you do? I can’t seem to find a verse to help me with that one. Maybe the Church of Scientology has the answer. Or not.

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Ø God himself, not a random angel or rogue prophet, instructed some men in Jerusalem to go on an important mission. They were to kill all infidels—men, women, seniors, children—without exception or compassion. >> This god is indeed great . . . ly disturbed. (Ezekiel 9:5-6)

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